I used to think I was right about everything related to faith and belief.
My parents said so.
My church said so.
But now, I don’t think so.
Everything I hear that is related to the Bible or Christianity, I now take it with a grain of salt. It’s like I have developed this wall of protection around me. I don’t want to be led blindly anymore.
My sister in law now lives at our house and she joins our Bible reading during Saturdays. I’ve noticed that my Dad is beginning to teach her everything he knows just the way he used to teach us at first.
And now it’s like I get to listen to it once again but not from a vulnerable girl’s point of view, but from a perspective of a woman who has been lied to, throughout the years.
It’s hard to admit that I don’t take everything he says as truth anymore. Sometimes what he teaches makes makes sense, but other times I see it for what it is: a blind faith. A plot to make you feel guilty for believing otherwise. A plan to unconsciously hurt you in the long run.
I find it unbearable to sit through those Bible discussions because it reminds me of all the things I’ve missed out on and the trauma that this false religion has given me.
I try to shut down several times and build a wall so high that everything I hear, I now deflect. I do admit sometimes it sounds stupid. Everything just sounds weird and stupid. I don’t want to be forced to believe in a lie anymore.
Maybe it will get easier someday but for now I just have to sit through every Saturday afternoon’s fiasco.
This week was all about pondering and reflecting on God’s faithfulness.
A little story: for months, I’ve been deconstructing my faith passively aggresively. For now, I think I’m slowly getting back on track with my relationship with God.
I’m using Francine River’s book, Earth Psalms, as a devotional which I hope will encourage and inspire me in my faith.
To be honest, being in this journey is such a hard process; one that I feel can easily crumble down. Knowing that the religion I used to practice is a false one has definitely shaken me to the core.
This week’s topic will be a soothing relief to my soul as it talks about God’s mercies and protection.
Here are some of my reflections and updates throughout the week:
What does it mean that God’s mercies are new, or fresh, every day?
For me, it means that God gives us a brand new, clean slate to start all over again each day. When we ask forgiveness, He forgets about our sins and encourages us to move forward.
I struggle a lot with reminiscing past mistakes and regrets so this wonderful truth of God’s mercy & steadfast love is like a soothing balm to my heart.
Yesterday’s mistakes don’t carry over.
How can remembering God’s faithful presence and protection give you peace as you go about your daily activities?
To have in mind God’s faithful presence and protection, gives me peace that no matter what the day brings, God is greater and He is in control.
I don’t go out much these days, I’m usually at home. It does make me feel safe but sometimes challenges come along as well. Remembering God is faithful and will protect me, gives me courage.
Sometimes I realize I’ve been protected from a harm such as almost falling off the stairs, or almost slipping through the bathroom floor, and other common accidents that can happen inside the house. And who knows what God’s protection has done for my parents.
This week was one of the coldest so far this month. Sunrises and sunsets were not visually seen, except for a few. Here are some photos I took.
January 12, 2021 First hint of sunlight of the week.January 12, 2021 First sunset seen for the week.January 15, 2021 I was awakened by God’s grace to see this beautiful sunrise. It was funny to think I woke up just to look at it and fell right back to sleep again.
Personal thoughts and reflection:
This week has brought me so much peace. I love how I’m taking this faith journey, slowly and without pressure. It has given me a lot of time to meditate and think about God. Every morning, I reflect on select Bible verses rather than reading chapters and not retaining anything. I also listen to this playlist I made based on the book, every morning.
Overall, I’m just really happy to be getting back my relationship with God.
One thing I can improve is to take time to observe the sunrises and sunsets, rather than treat it as a 3 minute objective to take a photo and post it here. I will definitely try to take more time and focus on observing the incredible beauty of our Creator.
Life With Rachel 