When I can’t fall asleep, I think about the things I could do.
What can I do to serve God? To make a difference in this world?
My dream has always been to make an impact on someone or on society as a whole. I want to be a beacon of God’s light and to make a difference.
To make a difference. To make a difference…
The moment my thoughts ramble one after the other and they consume the corners of my brain, I think about the future too.
The future says I might end up alone in this world with no one to love me. The future says I will waste my days being insecure. The future says my dreams will never come true.
Never, never, never…
As this string of rumination begins to pull each other into a big pile of ball rolling down my brain and dropping into my heart, I begin to fear.
My soul feels like it’s gnawing in pain and anguish. Loneliness is such a heavy word to even utter. A heavy state to be in.
I close my eyes and force myself to sleep.
I let the name of Jesus roll around my tongue. I pray for peace that passes understanding. I pray for His arms to wrap me up in love and remind me that I’m not alone.
I pray and pray and pray until I fall asleep in bliss, with the assurance that Jesus loves me tonight and forevermore…
My brain becomes silent and void. In the dark and quiet room the corners of my heart form into a smile. Her cold voice whispers, “She’s sleeping, at last…”
In order to get to work I have to pass by a pedestrian lane (that doesn’t seem like one because the vehicles drive so fast you might think there’s a car racing going on!)
Crossing the streets in Iloilo City can sometimes be a struggle. Especially for a softie like me. Haha
Sometimes I’m as bold as a lion other times I freeze on the spot and wait for the vehicles to disappear, which usually takes around 5 minutes.
I always wonder if I can survive the situation.
I have just survived the chaos and safely arrived at work. An hour early before my shift.
Before crossing the street, I was able to join two men and a little boy. I consider this to always be a blessing because I don’t have to worry I just have to follow their lead.
As we waited for the perfect moment to arrive, the little boy clutching his dad’s hand looked up at me and grinned, all teeth and full of joy like he was having the best time of his life.
I wanted to laugh but I smiled instead.
Sweet innocent boy. I hope he never loses his joy when he grows up and has to cross the street. May gladness overpower fear when he takes that first step against the never ending vehicles. I pray that he will always be excited to see his dad and view life through a colored lens.
Having secured ourselves on the other side of the road, I looked back to see him still smiling at me while his dad fixed his slippers.
“Thank you. You helped me find joy and courage in the simple things.”
I wanted to tell him that but he may not understand.
Sitting here on my desk made me reminisce about my pedestrian adventures.
Other memories I have:
I crossed the street with a dog.
I helped an elderly navigate through the traffic.
A traffic enforcer came to the rescue and helped me cross the street.
I joined other pedestrians and crossed the street safely.
My classmate and I got trapped in the middle of a busy road and a kind man driving a big car let us pass by.
Life is full of lessons and memories around. What seems like an obstacle can also be a fun part of the day.
I don’t like telling the truth when I know it’s going to hurt someone. There are times when I prefer to sugarcoat in order to present it like a gift instead of a knife.
However, we all know this isn’t always a good thing to do. It’s unhealthy for us and for others. People need to grow up and know the truth about themselves and their actions.
Do we really need to say the truth to someone all the time? I believe there’s a right time for everything.
When it comes to Biblical matters, I must admit occasions have occurred when I hesitated to tell the Truth because of fear that I might hurt other people’s feelings. I have realized my mistake because Scripture is for convicting.
May I always speak the Words of God with power and grace.
We observe in the life of Jesus that He spoke the Word with courage and conviction because He knew that though others may be offended, it was what they needed to change.
Sometimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it. We can always choose to speak truth with care, sincerity and most of all, love.
“Let you conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so you may know how to answer everyone.”
Colossians 4:6
“And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.
John 8: 32
Do you want to live an honest life? Check out this post to learn more about honesty and tips to quit the lying habit.
I never met my grandfather. He died when my dad was only 7 years old. I also did not have much of an interaction with my Lolo because I was too young to care during that time. Sadly, he passed away when I was only 4 years old.
Sadness encircles me whenever I remember that I did not have the chance to know them personally. However, I have hope safely tucked in my heart that we will meet in Heaven someday.
Lessons Learned
Their character, quirks and habits have been passed down in an enchanting way.
I learned to eat vanilla ice cream with corn flakes and chocolate syrup, from my Grandpa. (It was his favorite.) He was also an accountant and worked as a hospital administrator. Currently, I am working at an accounting office of a hospital. I’d like to think there is some connection in that.
I don’t know much about him and I only have one distinct picture of my Grandpa imprinted on my mind. I can imagine that he was a hardworking and kind man.
I learned the importance of reading my Bible from my Lolo. Mama would sometimes recall his words of wisdom and share them to me. A hand-me-down lesson from Lolo to Mama to me is: “If you don’t know what a word means, don’t ask other people. Consult your dictionary.”
I still have the books my Lolo Manuel used to read. While I was reading the books, I noticed that he had a habit of putting check marks on top of the pages he had already finished reading.
My love for reading and books definitely came from him. (Aside from my Dad)
My Lolo worked hard to provide for his family. He gave his children a good life despite the hardships. And tried his best to provide the same for his grandchildren.
He did not have enough money to give as an inheritance to his family, but I hope he knew that his diligence, love, patience, and kindness were more than enough to be considered precious gems that his family inherited.
I’d like to end this post with a verse from Exodus 20:5-6:
You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Who you are today; your faith, your character, your habits, your decisions, etc. will be passed down to the thousands of generations of your family whether you like it or not. That’s something to think about. 😉
I watched as the leaves stilled and the sky turned a slow orange hue splashed with colors of fiery red and pink.
Mosquitoes began to bite my legs while Jewel sings in the background with the birds humming pretending to be back-up singers. I turned my attention to the sky, I have always loved looking at the clouds and sky.
There’s something magical about it. It exudes God’s power and serenity into a perfect picture. It reminds me constantly that He is big and I am small.
The world is huge and rich. Full of life and chances and joy and risks. Looking at the sky gives me courage because I am reminded that the wolves of my life are nothing compared to my God.
Someday, I will make a leap of faith.
Someday, my life will be meaningful.
Rest assured, though I make mistakes, the sky will always be there to give me peace.
1. Puppies and dogs 2. Flowers 3. Sunrise 4. Sunset 5. The blue sky 6. Food 7. Books 8. Notebooks 9. Newly washed bedsheets and pillow covers. 10. Music 11. Good movies 12. Writing 13. My parents, my brother and the rest of my family 14. My boyfriend 15. My friends 16. Churchmates 17. Feeling God’s presence 18. Hearing the birds’ sing 19. Babies 20. Taking a walk home…
Making this list made me realize how much I could add and how I have a lot to be grateful for!
Dear God, you are full of compassion and mercy. Thank you so much for the gift of life and all the precious things, people, and memories that come with me. I am extremely grateful even for the little things that I encounter everyday. Words cannot express howthankful I am. Without You, I am nothing. I love You Lord. Your daughter, Rachel.
I am so grateful that God has gifted us with another month to cherish. It’s exciting to think about what He has in store for us these coming days.
I love beginnings because it provides me with a clean slate. I am planning to incorporate journaling into my life again. I used to do this everyday when I was in college. Unfortunately, my dedication for this hobby got drained in the sink and so a downward spiral began for my thoughts.
Happiness oozes in me as I share with you that yesterday I started with my November Scripture Writing Plan and November Writing Prompts.
Goals
Here are some of the goals I have for this month.
Buy a whole outfit.
Eat at a restaurant I haven’t been to.
Start a new Prayer Journal.
Finish my book by 50%.
Finish “The Four Million” by O. Henry,
With all my heart, I am hoping I can accomplish these 5 simple goals. As a person whose commitment gets lost faster than a bubble, this can be pretty hard for me. I will be needing the good Lord’s help for this. (tbh, I can’t do anything without Him)
I’m just full of excitement for this month! What about you? What are your goals for November? Share them on the comments below.
Truly,
Rachel
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.
Even as a kid, I loved listening to music! I remember during the summertime, every morning after breakfast, I’ll turn on the radio, lay on the living room floor and just listen to music while my eyes closed. I think these happened when I was 6 til I turned 8 years old.
Back then I didn’t have a fancy phone or iPod that could store music. Can I admit that I was a bit jealous with those owned one?
Anyway, as far as I can remember here are the songs that would usually play on the radio. Some songs I loved and others that I had no choice but to like because they are the ones usually played by the DJs.
No Promises by Shayne Ward
The DJ announced she was going to play the song No Promises. That was how I learned that song titles were often based on the chorus or what phrases the singer emphasized.
This was definitely a song that was dear to my heart at a young age. I loved the tune and at that time the only line I could truly understand was, “You’re beautiful” and I believed it. 😀 I daydreamed that one day when I got older someone would sing this song to me and call me beautiful too.
Don’t Push Me by Sweetbox
Push the Button by Sugababes
What drove my cousins and I crazy were the songs, “Don’t Push Me” and “Push the Button” We got excited when we heard them on the radio because we get to dance our hearts out. I can still recall we’d usually hear them while waiting for lunch or during the late afternoons. Listening to these again as an adult made me realize what the songs mean! (yikes)
Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton
Back then, I’d feel at peace whenever this song would play. It was catchy and easy to sing (even if I just made up some of the words because I didn’t know the lyrics!)
Cool by Gwen Stefani
Honestly, I was annoyed by this song as a child because I couldn’t understand the lyrics yet I liked the tune.
When She Cries by Restless Heart
I used to love this song and I still do! I was such a sensitive girl and tears came easily for me so maybe that’s why I saw this song as a precious gem. It also made me think of my Mom whom I saw crying back then. When we were kids, my brother and I had a fight so I wasn’t speaking to him. To tell me sorry he plugged his earphones on me and said, “You like this song right?” I forgave him right away.
OPM
During my elementary years, this was everyone’s favorite song! You were considered “cool” if you could sing the Chinese lyrics.
While making this list, out of the blue my mind exclaimed: there was that one really sad song I liked listening to! And I had to find it. Good thing I remember it was sung by Arnel Pineda and oh my gosh!! Hearing this song again made me remember my childhood so much! I recall borrowing my Mom’s phone, putting on earphones for the first time which amazed me because it felt like the music could touch my bare soul. During those times, I laid in bed wearing the earphones and waited for this song to play on the radio. It usually played in the afternoon. It was such a sad song that pained my heart. How amazing that as a child I could connect to the singer’s emotions. It makes me think that maybe I had some hidden wounds back then but I could not pick out the emotion for it and through this song, it flowed.
I was both annoyed and enthralled by this song. It always played on the radio. As a child, I was irritated when the song was nearing its end because the lyrics would just repeat all over again. Nevertheless this song reminds me of late mornings, sunsets, board games with cousins and the snacks we’d make.
This one really hits me hard! During summertime, my cousins together with my brother and I would watch MYX and this would always play. If I can remember correctly, it was always at number one. I feel my heart floating in memories. I miss being a kid so much… Things were so much simpler back then.
I was afraid to listen to this again because as a child, the song amazed and scared me at the same time especially when I saw the music video. My heart kept drooping low that I can’t bring myself to finish the song anymore, but it’s worth the trip to revisit this.
I think out of all the OPM songs I’ve heard as a child, this one was my favorite! It’s so pure and Erik Santos sings it wonderfully.
15 years ago this song was the OST for the Television Program Spirits. My older cousins loved watching it at my Aunt’s house. I did not care much for it but my ears would perk up whenever they’d play snippets of this song before commercial break or after the program. I kept wishing I could hear the full song and I felt pretty lucky when it would play on the radio.
What Music Did For me
As a child, music gave me the freedom to daydream and feel emotions. Hearing these songs again helped me recall precious memories and I can now understand their meaning.
To be honest, this trip down the music lane did not make me happy but peeled my heart open to the loneliness I have harbored over the years. I feel my heart has been punched and bruised because of all the times I couldn’t get back anymore.
I miss my childhood. I miss my cousins. I miss my old house. I miss how things used to me.
This moment is hard for me but signifies that I need to let go of that portion of my life. I shouldn’t forget, no definitely not. But I should learn to accept that these are already memories. I am not a child anymore. I have to move on.
Maybe I need to go through this process to feel all the wave of emotions that the past still has on me so that I can learn to embrace it and make new memories.
Lessons Learned
God is the creator of music. I am so thankful that He gave us this gift. Because for me, music is magic. I can’t even explain it. It’s just something that you know is God-given.
Music is powerful too. It makes you feel emotions. It clings unto memories. It opens your mind and embraces your heart. Music is a friend.
Reminiscing the past made me realized how far we have improved these days. Back in the days, we had to wait for hours, days or even weeks just to hear our favorite songs. But now, with just a click we can listen to it anytime we want and even play it over and over again til our ears hurt.
Before, we had to buy songbooks so that we could read the lyrics but now we can just look them up online right away.
Times have changed, so have the music. I am grateful that we still have access to these old songs that hold so much memories for us.
Conclusion
This may seem to not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. These songs (and a lot more that are not included in this list) hold a special place in my heart that whenever I hear them again, opens my treasure box of memories.
I realized that I haven’t truly moved on and let go. I am still living in the past.
A wave of nostalgia hits me like a waterfall, gently but with a force strong enough to awaken my emotions.
It is so extreme that I get to the point of wishing a time machine exists. As you’ve noticed from my previous two posts, they are about childhood memories.
My brain keeps swimming back to the past. Revisiting old monuments in my mind and opening doors that long ago I have closed.
Whether it’s a defense mechanism because of all the pain I’ve been harboring these past few months or my heart wanting to leap out and have an adventure, I am uncertain.
What will I do about this?
I thought.
Why repress it when it wants to be felt?
Why ignore it when it longs to be heard?
So I have figured out to plunge in and revisit my past.
I am planning to re-watch movies I used to love when I was a kiddo, eat at the places my parents used to take me, and reexplore the places we used to go to, etc.
I’d love to document them and share my reflections here but I wonder if this feeling of nostalgia will last.
Soil, leaves, flowers these were all useful ingredients for my cooking session with my playmate, Mia. As little children, we had a blast pretending we had a carinderia.
Carinderia in the Philippines, is an eatery that serves home-cooked meals.
We loved to use our imagination as we prepared meals. In between cooking sessions we would talk about life and our future. It was everyday, from early in the morning until the sunset. And yet it felt like it was never enough.
If our parents would allow, Mia and I would spend a few hours watching Totally Spies or Kim Possible on TV before supper.
At night, we’d stand by our windows at home and call out to each other to talk while the cricket sung and the moon shone brightly.
Other games we played were piko, tumba patis and lagsanay. We also played with dolls.
It was nice to think that back then, children chose to play outside rather than spend the day watching TV or glued to a mobile device.
When we had nothing else to do, we’d sit on the sofa and just talk our hearts out.
After a few years, we grew up, got busy in school and seemed to forget about each other.
Mia only stayed at our neighbor’s house during the summer and as the seasons went by, she stopped coming.
It didn’t mean much to me, to be honest. I had new friends at school. But there were times I wished that when I went home, she would be there waiting by the doorstep ready to talk and have fun ’til our little worries disappeared.
Maybe it was me getting caught up in schoolworks and wanting to be at the top of my class that led me to I think it wasn’t important to have friends as long as I had good grades. I wish someone told me how wrong I was.
At a young age, I ruined a lot of friendships because of my need to be at the top of my class. It was all I ever cared about. I wanted approval, praise and honor like my whole life depended on it. It feels sickening to think about it now.
Presently, I don’t have much friends. In my high school times, I did not even know how to make friends. I only knew how to study and make a safe reputation.
Which is why when Mia moved to my University, (I was a highschooler, and she was in her first year of college), there was little to no effort in my part to keep the friendship alive. (Even though we spent years together at the same Uni when I entered college.) On the other hand, she was always bursting with excitement whenever we ran into each other.
I am grateful for her cheerful and kind spirit because according to her, “nothing has changed between us.“ Our friendship is still the same. But is it?
Maybe in some ways it is. We still laugh the same and treat each other just like the old times.
Deep down, I know I have changed. I don’t feel free as I did before. Being with her and with others makes me stiff and vigilant of my surroundings. A loud laugh or a raised voice because of glee makes my heart stop and worry, ‘Oh my gosh! What will people think?!’
I don’t know how to have fun anymore. The hardships of growing up bursted the bubble of my vivid imagination.
My sensitive nature prompted me to retreat, causing my self discomfort to be around people, even with my childhood friend.
I used to be someone who loved to laugh and craved adventure. Mia retained her spirit of carefree confidence and I didn’t.
Maybe I was never confident to begin with, but I can’t remember being this uptight and uncomfortable with myself.
As a child, I knew I was crazy – mostly happy, sometimes scared. But I always felt free and open to do anything even when it scared the hell out of me.
I became so focused in school and forgot what play looked life. What life felt like– the one with no worries of competition rather all focused on blooming with grace despite the rain that may shower the day.
My eyes started to open during my last years in college. It was when the overflow of regrets came to wash over me like a tsunami. I drowned down into the depths.
By God’s grace, slowly so subtly, I am healing and discovering that I can change once again, but this time for the better.
To Mia, you might never read this, but I’d want to say both thank you and I’m sorry.
When I’m ready, I hope we can build our friendship once again. This time, we won’t have to play pretend because we can run free and do anything we want without a care in the world.
Life With Rachel 