Today, my Dad turned 70.
We weren’t able to celebrate the way we used to, with cake and ice cream because he doesn’t eat sugar anymore.
We got pizza and burgers instead.
There’s a small tinge of sadness in me because I didn’t have a gift to offer, like I used to.
Despite of this, my heart is still full because I can sense that my Dad feels happy. And that’s all that matters to me.
May you always have peace of mind and happiness.
I love you forever, Daddy.
*Spoiler Alert! This post may contain spoilers!*
After inheriting her uncle’s homesteading claim in Montana, 16-year-old orphan Hattie Brooks travels from Iowa in 1917 to make a home for herself and encounters some unexpected problems related to the war being fought in Europe.
Goodreads.com
I seldom write book reviews because I don’t know how. I’ll just share what I think.
The book is well-written and thoroughly researched. I’ve read in the back pages that the author spent 3 years in research for the book. I love how the characters are well-rounded and realistic. I also appreciate how the author included even the tiny details of Hattie’s day as to give the full picture of what life was like in 1917.
While reading this book, I couldn’t help but wish I was there with Hattie. When I was young, I’ve always had this longing to live and experience life in a homestead. I want to wake up before the sun rises, feel the breeze on my cheeks, milk the cows, feed the chickens, ride horses and watch the stars at night.
Through this book, I realized that living in a homestead is not an easy task but one that requires hard work. I loved Hattie’s unique adventures throughout the book.
One significant part of the story is Hattie realizing that a home doesn’t necessarily mean a place to stay, but the people you surround yourself with. She gained a family by making friends with Perilee and Karl and their children, Leafie, Jim, and others.
I think Hattie is strong and determined for her willingness to make a living for herself.
How to explain to these two children the longing in my heart for what they had? To be part of a family. To have a place to call home.
We’d both signed on for something we’d envisioned as heroic and glamorous. The heroism and glamour might be there somewhere, but you had to dig and scrape and scrabble through the dirt, pain, and misery to find it. Assuming you could find it.
“My mama always said piecing quilts is like making friends.” She kept her eyes on the scissors as she cut up a piece of blue ticking. “Sometimes the more different fabrics—and people—are,” she said, “the stronger the pattern.”
Music playlist for the book:
Moodboard:
Instructions to truly resonate with this post:
1. Listen to the song before reading.
2. Listen to the song while reading.
3. Listen to the song after reading.
I hope this song becomes a part of your journey in life!
I first heard this song when I was about 11. I remember dedicating this song to a grade school crush who was graduating and who broke my heart for not liking me back. I was soooooo dramatic.
This song has always had a special place in my heart. It reminds me of the things and people I want to say goodbye to.
I want to say goodbye to my past beliefs, broken friendships, mistakes and regrets. I want to say goodbye to the old me.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can’t live a day without you
Closin’ my eyes, and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it’s not right
This particular lyrics, in this season of my life, reminds me of the religion and belief I used to have. Saying goodbye to everything I believed to be true, is hard. I loved being an SDA but I have to admit that I was blinded and I need to move on to discover the truth.
And so… I say goodbye. In order for me to survive and grow, I need to say goodbye to you.
I guess in various seasons of our lives, we say goodbye to different things or people. I was 11 saying goodbye to a crush and it never crossed my mind that a decade after, I’ll be saying goodbye to everything that I knew.
Before the pandemic started, every Sunday morning, as a family we would go out for breakfast, then have groceries after. Our favorite places to dine were Bluejay Coffee & Co., Bo’s Coffee and occasionally, Coffee Project.
This Sunday, we got to have the same routine except for the presence of my Dad who chose to stay at home because he can’t stand wearing a mask.
The ambiance in Coffee Project oozes with aesthetics and privilege? I mean most people who enter have the stance and confidence of rich people. I usually feel uncomfortable but I just try to focus on the pleasing interior.
The food and drinks here are good but a bit expensive.
For breakfast, I ordered Chicken Parmigiana with Hot Pepper Rice which I forgot to take a picture of.
While waiting for our orders to arrive, I glanced around to see that almost everyone was looking down on their phones. It got me thinking, “what was it like for people before, who didn’t have such technology? what did they do in a coffee shop while waiting for their drinks to arrive?”
I thought that maybe they talked a lot or if they were alone, brought a book with them to entertain themselves or maybe they just sat and think or observe.
I didn’t want to use my phone and in front of me about 5 feet away, a boy about 12 years old was sitting down with earphones on and so I did the same since my mom and brother were not in the mood for talking. And I reflected upon the book I read last night.
I remember how last year I would sit in those same spots and worry about the upcoming Monday were I had to face survival in an office setting. Now, I’m so grateful I can breathe easily without the anxiety of work brooding around.
After our fancy and expensive breakfast, (😢😅) we went to a family friend for some errands to make. It’s so weird to think we seldom see the people close to us anymore.
After our fast adventure, we headed to the grocery store, S&R. I only took one photo and an unflattering one as well.
I was caught up in talking to my brother as well as looking for something to buy. I got some few essentials.
It was a normal day but I just wanted to share what life was like today. The weather is cool and cloudy, the cars are few, and the day is peaceful.
I’m so glad that amidst the pandemic, we still get to have good days.
While sometimes, I feel like it’s safe to go out, I know it isn’t. Our enemy, the virus is still roaming around and we need to practice caution and care.
My heart goes out to all the families who have lost loved ones in this pandemic. Truly, you’ll never know what it feels like `til it happens to you. While life must go on, I hope we can all be sensitive, learn to take precautions, and keep in mind those who are fighting this virus and the frontliners risking their lives to help.
Stay safe!
This week was all about pondering and reflecting on God’s faithfulness.
A little story: for months, I’ve been deconstructing my faith passively aggresively. For now, I think I’m slowly getting back on track with my relationship with God.
I’m using Francine River’s book, Earth Psalms, as a devotional which I hope will encourage and inspire me in my faith.
To be honest, being in this journey is such a hard process; one that I feel can easily crumble down. Knowing that the religion I used to practice is a false one has definitely shaken me to the core.
This week’s topic will be a soothing relief to my soul as it talks about God’s mercies and protection.
Here are some of my reflections and updates throughout the week:
For me, it means that God gives us a brand new, clean slate to start all over again each day. When we ask forgiveness, He forgets about our sins and encourages us to move forward.
I struggle a lot with reminiscing past mistakes and regrets so this wonderful truth of God’s mercy & steadfast love is like a soothing balm to my heart.
Yesterday’s mistakes don’t carry over.
To have in mind God’s faithful presence and protection, gives me peace that no matter what the day brings, God is greater and He is in control.
I don’t go out much these days, I’m usually at home. It does make me feel safe but sometimes challenges come along as well. Remembering God is faithful and will protect me, gives me courage.
Sometimes I realize I’ve been protected from a harm such as almost falling off the stairs, or almost slipping through the bathroom floor, and other common accidents that can happen inside the house. And who knows what God’s protection has done for my parents.
This week was one of the coldest so far this month. Sunrises and sunsets were not visually seen, except for a few. Here are some photos I took.
Personal thoughts and reflection:
This week has brought me so much peace. I love how I’m taking this faith journey, slowly and without pressure. It has given me a lot of time to meditate and think about God. Every morning, I reflect on select Bible verses rather than reading chapters and not retaining anything. I also listen to this playlist I made based on the book, every morning.
You can follow it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1x3o0V2I4gviD9QmB2QOSk?si=5Gv5vHnIRWeHlVAI7AbSPQ
It will be updated every week.
Overall, I’m just really happy to be getting back my relationship with God.
One thing I can improve is to take time to observe the sunrises and sunsets, rather than treat it as a 3 minute objective to take a photo and post it here. I will definitely try to take more time and focus on observing the incredible beauty of our Creator.
I accidentally saw this quote today on Pinterest and it made me stop and soak up the words.
As I write this, I am unemployed. I think I created a blog post before, about how I want to live life on my own terms. I’ve never actually liked being in an office and it was never my dream. I took up that line of course because of my mom and for security. I didn’t realize it before, but now I do.
All my life, there was always a need for me to please people. As long as they approve, I’m good. Hence, it’s never been easy for me to make decisions without first consulting about other’s opinions.
When I quit my job last year, I knew I was going to have a hard time internally. I was right. Every day is like a battle between me and myself.
I feel guilty for not having a job.
But I feel at peace for earning money without employment.
I feel empty at the end of the day.
Yet I have hope that I can discover more about myself and succeed one day.
I guess I just wanted to share how it’s so difficult when you start to think for yourself, live life based on your own principles, and not conform to society’s idea of what you should be.
Life is never about following someone’s footsteps just because they were deemed “right” or “safe.”
Life is all about making your own set of footsteps in the world.
One of the questions from the Goodbye Hello journal is; what was your happiest moments?
I have to stop and think.
And shouldn’t that be the case? Shouldn’t I remember right away what they were? Has my mind been so clouded with sorrow that I forgot?
I can’t remember.
When was I truly happiest this 2020? Nothing even comes to mind. Sure, I’ve had happy moments but I can’t remember one where my heart swelled and soared or my belly ached with laughter.
Maybe I just forgot or I didn’t have one.
Taylor Swift’s song, New Year’s Eve, has a line which says,
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.
Next time, I have the happiest moment of my life, I’ll hope to remind myself to hold on to it. So I won’t forget.
Sometimes, I have the happiest moment ever, but then I remember that I have to go home and that this will be all over. What happens is the memory is replaced with fear and worry that I have to get home on time.
Maybe that’s why. Maybe I don’t have happy memories because they are always layered with fear.
Happy memories are like treasures in a box.
Mine just happens to be empty for now, but not for long.
This year put a halt to a lot of my plans but it also gave me space to take a step back, to reflect and to breathe.
I’m going to be honest, when the lockdown started, I felt relieved. And I know it was selfish to think; “now, the people around me are taking a break so it’s understandable that I don’t have a job.”
With determination, I started to work on my businesses and plans, hoping for them to succeed but to little avail. I did earn money through my business, but not enough to sustain me.
Yet, I am proud of myself for taking the huge leap of faith to try new things, to not stick with the capitalists’ normal way of life. I also learned to drive even while having untreated anxiety. Did I mention I also self-published a book that nobody read? Or how about crafting a journal that nobody bought? That’s hard work, and I’m proud of it.
However, trauma seeps in when motivation reigns on my mind. Flashbacks of disgusting memories come back ’til all I want is to hide under the covers of my bed. And for months, it happened. I couldn’t sleep well and it took all the strength in me to force myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
I lost my drive and energy. I wondered what people thought of a jobless nobody. I wondered what will become of my life.
Wishing to have all the answers to my questions but without making ways to find them, is a waste of time. Truth be told, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
There are days I feel like a failure. And it always comes back to, “what do people think of me?”
But what do I think of me?
I think I need time to heal.
I haven’t been to a therapist so I can’t diagnose myself but I’m 80% sure what I’ve been through constitutes in the word: trauma.
And people will never understand, which is why I have to get back to the core of who I am and what I’ve been through. It’s a tough road and I’m just not strong enough at the moment.
A few days ago I woke up and told myself:
If you’re gonna spend your days staying at home, then you better make it worthwhile.
I splashed myself alive with the coldest amount of determination I could get. Then I worked.
Nowadays, I do laundry and clean the house then I got to bed without feeling guilty.
Maybe that’s all I can take for now. And maybe that’s okay.
I’m not yet ready to face the harsh realities of the world if I can’t overcome the cruelty of my own memories.
Life With Rachel 