Today’s challenge is to host a guest post. I don’t know a lot of fellow bloggers yet that would be willing to do a post in a blog with few followers. So our guest post for today is from my Faith-based blog; Hearts Not Troubled.
“Why are you not joining us anymore?” I received this message today from our Youth leader, and I didn’t know how to respond.
For months since the quarantine began, our Youth Ministries have catered an Online Bible Study via Zoom. We gather together from different parts of our town to read the Bible and answer questions that can inspire us to dig deeper. I really commend the efforts they are doing to help us strengthen our faith in these challenging times.
I was excited to join at first and learned a lot from listening to others share their thoughts, testimonies and ideas. The problem began when it was my turn to speak up. For days, I would fight the fear and just talked even if my words rambled and I couldn’t verbalize my thoughts.
The reason for my nervousness is not that I got nothing to share, because I have things that the Lord has been teaching me too.
But it’s hard when your breath gets caught in your throat, your stomach squeezes, your hands get cold and you just sit there with a clenched jaw praying to God that you won’t get called to answer. And as you listen, you realize how other people can answer so easily while you have to fight to open your mouth.
I tried my best. I joined even though fear and shame were wrapping its ugly arms around me throughout the whole process. I would pray before joining, and also pray after for God’s grace to help me shake off the shame I feel whenever I recall what I’ve said.
Before you tell me all the verses about God telling us not to fear, believe me I know. I’ve got it all memorized.
I am embarrassed to tell you that the last time I joined, I also escaped. I could feel my lungs losing air and my brain going foggy, that I just turned off my WiFi and hid behind my covers. The guilt knocked in my heart and I was just in a turmoil mess.
There must be something wrong with me. How can I serve God when I can’t even last in a simple Online Bible Study?
On my knees, I asked for forgiveness and compensated for my lack of courage. I called up a friend and did a one-on-one Bible reading every night instead. I thrive on small groups.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety before. I may or may not have social anxiety now. There’s no way for me to know at this moment since we’re in quarantine. I can’t visit the doctor or a therapist, so the best that I could do is to avoid the triggers.
Maybe this is just a struggle with pride and insecurity, but I am working on it.
I went on isolation for days and finally reached out and talked to friends. They told me about their struggles, and I prayed for them.
Mornings were lovely and I had peaceful afternoons with the Lord. I could sleep well and the physical effects of anxiety disappeared until this morning when I received a message that asked about my absence.
If I tell you, would you understand?
If I opened up with the reason why, how would you respond?
Will you shame me for coming up with an “excuse”?
Or lecture me to have more faith?
Would you offer grace and sympathy?
Or would you just shrug it off and tell me to get over it?
I am struggling but I can’t tell you the truth because if I do, you may not understand. And that scares me too.
I hope we, as a church, can offer more grace and compassion for those who may be battling with anxiety. Right now, we feel like our safe space has been compromised by Zoom just because we feel obligated and can’t escape it.
There are different ways to reach out to someone today. We need to be patient with one another, especially in these trying times.
Have you used the online app Zoom and what are your thoughts about it?
Life With Rachel 