One of the questions from the Goodbye Hello journal is; what was your happiest moments?
I have to stop and think.
And shouldn’t that be the case? Shouldn’t I remember right away what they were? Has my mind been so clouded with sorrow that I forgot?
I can’t remember.
When was I truly happiest this 2020? Nothing even comes to mind. Sure, I’ve had happy moments but I can’t remember one where my heart swelled and soared or my belly ached with laughter.
Maybe I just forgot or I didn’t have one.
Taylor Swift’s song, New Year’s Eve, has a line which says,
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.
Next time, I have the happiest moment of my life, I’ll hope to remind myself to hold on to it. So I won’t forget.
Sometimes, I have the happiest moment ever, but then I remember that I have to go home and that this will be all over. What happens is the memory is replaced with fear and worry that I have to get home on time.
Maybe that’s why. Maybe I don’t have happy memories because they are always layered with fear.
Happy memories are like treasures in a box.
Mine just happens to be empty for now, but not for long.
This year put a halt to a lot of my plans but it also gave me space to take a step back, to reflect and to breathe.
I’m going to be honest, when the lockdown started, I felt relieved. And I know it was selfish to think; “now, the people around me are taking a break so it’s understandable that I don’t have a job.”
With determination, I started to work on my businesses and plans, hoping for them to succeed but to little avail. I did earn money through my business, but not enough to sustain me.
Yet, I am proud of myself for taking the huge leap of faith to try new things, to not stick with the capitalists’ normal way of life. I also learned to drive even while having untreated anxiety. Did I mention I also self-published a book that nobody read? Or how about crafting a journal that nobody bought? That’s hard work, and I’m proud of it.
However, trauma seeps in when motivation reigns on my mind. Flashbacks of disgusting memories come back ’til all I want is to hide under the covers of my bed. And for months, it happened. I couldn’t sleep well and it took all the strength in me to force myself to get out of bed in the mornings.
I lost my drive and energy. I wondered what people thought of a jobless nobody. I wondered what will become of my life.
Wishing to have all the answers to my questions but without making ways to find them, is a waste of time. Truth be told, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
There are days I feel like a failure. And it always comes back to, “what do people think of me?”
But what do I think of me?
I think I need time to heal.
I haven’t been to a therapist so I can’t diagnose myself but I’m 80% sure what I’ve been through constitutes in the word: trauma.
And people will never understand, which is why I have to get back to the core of who I am and what I’ve been through. It’s a tough road and I’m just not strong enough at the moment.
A few days ago I woke up and told myself:
If you’re gonna spend your days staying at home, then you better make it worthwhile.
I splashed myself alive with the coldest amount of determination I could get. Then I worked.
Nowadays, I do laundry and clean the house then I got to bed without feeling guilty.
Maybe that’s all I can take for now. And maybe that’s okay.
I’m not yet ready to face the harsh realities of the world if I can’t overcome the cruelty of my own memories.
As much as I’d love to journal, I just don’t have the patience to do it these days. My mind flies away so fast, I can’t sit still and reflect without feeling guilty.
Also, most of my old journals never see the light of day once they are stored away.
I decided to do this journal right here on my blog so that I can just open with a click and look back on my thoughts.
I usually leave goals behind, mostly because I forget about them as I’m consumed with other worries in life. But I hope I can finish this journal by Project Love.
Shoutout to the love of my life, Hermes, thank you for being here and reading this. ☺️
Life With Rachel 