Dear Hermes,
First of all, thank you for reading my blog posts. You deserve a whole post for that, so here it goes!
I remember the first time I saw you. I was sixteen and you were seventeen. It was at a Computer Quiz during the University games. You were sitting directly in front of me. You had dark black hair in a slicked back style and rings on your fingers. I thought you were attractive.
I was stressed and nervous that time, in contrast, you were smiling and laughing with your teammates. Annoyance started to build up in me, “How could he be so cool about this?” I thought to myself. Here he is being cute and having fun when they get the wrong answers meanwhile my stomach would churn everytime the quiz master shouted “WRONG!” at us.
I never realized you saw me during the contest, but you told me that was the first time you saw me too. And you said I looked beautiful. Though I can’t imagine how. My hair was short and curly, it looked like a bird’s nest on my head.
In those days, we were both pining away for people who didn’t give us a chance, who never liked us back.
I was seventeen when I saw you again. My hair was longer now and I was a freshman in college. I’d see you in the hallways, or around the campus while going to class and you would look at me. No, not look but STARE. Your eyes would go wide and your lips would form in a small smile. It was as if you wanted to say something. (And now you keep telling me it was all my imagination but I beg to differ! 🤪)
I felt smug everytime I saw you. “Who is this guy? And why is he staring at me like that?” Months passed when I realized that you were actually really good-looking.
I started to see you in a new light. I kept wanting to catch a glimpse of you everyday. Whenever you were near, I’d get nervous and happy at the same time. I wanted to get to know you, maybe be your friend. When we crossed paths, I willed myself to smile but I couldn’t because the butterflies were overpowering me. I was so shy!
There was this one time, at the half-moon drive, you were right in front of me buying siomai. I mustered the courage to get up and talk to you but you walked so fast I couldn’t catch up. I thought I lost my chance to be your friend.
But then I stopped and thought, “What am I thinking? I don’t go up to boys, especially boys I liked and talk to them.”
One day, I was sitting on a bench when you passed by looking annoyed while talking to your friend beside you. Then you turned to glance at me. And I thought, “Wow he looks hot.”
I was mortified with myself. Hot?? I never thought of guys before as “hot.”
I realized then that I really, really like you.
Fast forward to the glorious day you added me on Facebook. And! I had to wait a day before accepting it as to not look desperate. 😁
You messaged me and that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship turned into a relationship.
On our first date, I was so nervous I couldn’t even eat properly. I was finally sitting with a boy. A boy I liked so much and he’s even better than my imagination. I didn’t care if you liked me back or not, I was more than content to just be your friend.
Hermes, you became the best friend I ever had. You were my first date, the one who held my hand because he wanted to (not forced like in those school dances), the guy not afraid to hug me in front of everybody, my first dance, the first one to give me a bouquet of roses, the first to kiss my cheeks and years later, my lips.
So many firsts.
I feel extra special that I’m your first girlfriend.
You chose to stay with me even when I was delusional about wanting my first kiss to be at the wedding and such. You didn’t ran away. You waited for me. You never forced me and when I said I wanted a kiss, you even asked if I was sure.
There was one guy in college who abruptly told me, “You’ll never have a boyfriend because you’re….” And he never finished the sentence. But I was mortified. “Am I really that horrible?” I thought.
Then you came along and proved him wrong. You respected me in a way I never thought was possible. You’re the first guy and probably the only one who has never mocked or teased me in a degrading way. Boys were always making fun of me for my voice or my innocence and quirkiness. Rather, you loved all this about me.
For the first time, I gained security that I could be myself and you would still love me.
You’re the first person to tell me I am strong and wise. I’ve never been called that before. You recognized that beneath this weak exterior was a strength that people never knew about me, because they don’t know what I’ve been through. But you do.
Because I tell you everything. I feel safe to talk to you.
You always make me feel safe, warm and fuzzy inside.
You were the kindest boy I’ve ever met. And now you’ve grown into a man. You are sweet, gentle, funny, laid-back and carefree, hot and handsome.
Remember that time we were in the karaoke? I’ve never sang in front of anyone before. Even though I sounded like a dying cat, you still encouraged me to sing.
You were sitting beside me looking for songs, and I was staring at you. You looked incredibly handsome and you were so kind. I thought my heart was going to burst and I needed to show you, how much I cared and loved you. So I leaned in and kissed your cheek.
I was battling with anxiety in those days and every day I thought it may be my last, and I didn’t want to go without telling you how I felt. You already told me you loved me but I didn’t respond.
Weeks after I whispered the words, “I’m in love with you.” But I felt it wasn’t enough.
Months passed, we were standing beside Supermart Mandurriao, waiting for a jeep to get me home. It was crowded and full of pollution. Not exactly a scenic spot but I had this incredible urge inside of my heart to say it.
I love you.
And you smiled. Yes you had won my heart.
My dearest Hermes, I love you more and more each day. I wish I can be by your side always. I wish I can let you feel all my love for you every single day.
I want to make you happy. I want to see that handsome smile and hear that wondrous laugh of yours.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I never thought I could feel this way. You’re my best friend and boyfriend all wrapped up in one. How lucky could I get?
Two years ago, at our favorite restaurant, you whispered the words that melted my heart.
“Will you be my girlfriend?”
I wish I didn’t let logic ruin my moment. All I could think was our plan for it to be after graduation. I was totally caught offguard. I thought for a minute and what the heck of course I wanted to be your girlfriend! I wanted it to be official!
So I answered.
“Yes.”
Here’s to happy two years of love.
Two years??? You might say.
Because we know better. We’ve been in love for almost five years now.
I love you and only you.
You always said I saved you, but the truth is you saved me too Hermes. I found someone I can be myself with. I found love and genuine friendship.
Thank you for everything. You made me feel alive again. I’ve always felt alone but now I don’t. I have you.
You are my home.
I love you.
With hugs and kisses,
Rachel
Life With Rachel 