A few years back, I was on my way to church on a bright Saturday morning, when suddenly a question popped out of nowhere:
If your Dad stopped believing in the Sabbath, would you still keep it?
My whole being was stunned. I wanted to say, “Of course!” But the truth was simmering deep within.
I was keeping the Sabbath because of my father.
My Dad strictly implemented we keep the Sabbath from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown which is the reason why I would rush home every Friday. It’s not because I’m “honoring” God but rather I’m honoring my Dad.
After that epiphany, guilt seeped through my soul. I needed to get right with God and learn to have an independent kind of faith.
For days, I’d imagine myself living alone in some foreign country and wondering if in that open space of freedom, I would still keep the Sabbath. Turns out I felt I would but maybe not to the extent of how my Dad does.
This is a controversial thought even to me so I decided to keep it tuck inside of my heart.
During the quarantine, memories of feeling empty inside the church resurfaced. I remember sitting on the pews, observing and realizing that the elders cared more for the flow of the program than the actual worship for God.
Isn’t the reason why we’re in church to worship God?
Yet more enthusiasm is given to announcements for church building or radio ministries or “please enroll your kids to our church school!””
I wanted to worship God.
The best I could get of the glimpse of real closeness to my Heavenly Father is when we would kneel and sing a short chorus of “Open Our Eyes.”
The sermons usually consisted of pastors shouting and subliminaly telling us we have to work for our salvation. Either that, or showing 100 slides of their trip to some mountain and 5 slides of the actual sermon.
Those moments brewed up the doubt in me: Am I in the right church?
I couldn’t feel God near inside the church no matter how hard I tried.
Youth programs consisted of trips to an isolated place while throwing God in the mix with some basic Bible games.
The quarantine gave me a lot of time away from the church which made me reflect and question…
What if everything you were taught was wrong?
I couldn’t even begin to entertain that question. I felt evil for ever thinking that Jesus was outside our church belief.
Right now, I’m in a state of relearning.
I want to learn the Scripture with the lens from the Holy Spirit and no one else’s.
It’s hard and confusing because what if I’m wrong? What if all these years, the reason why I felt there was this wall between God and me is because I didn’t know Him correctly?
It’s scary and I don’t know what’s going to happen next.
I’ll take these moments and dedicate it to prayer and study of the Scripture.
I’m asking for your prayers.
I trust that God will lead me to the right path.
Life With Rachel 