During the month of May, I mustered the courage and probably lost my rationale when I decided to share my blog to my family members. I even created a Facebook Page and invited almost all of my family in the hopes of generating traffic for future posts.
Only, those future posts never came.
Here’s why.
“You think you write well, but you don’t.”
Those weren’t exactly the words said to me but it ran along the same lines, coupled with a mocking tone. Congratulations! My sunny hopes were shattered. I said goodbye to my inspiration to write.
I’ve been told before by various people atleast five times in mocking and condescending ways that I don’t write well, that I’m not talented, that I’m not a real writer, etc.
And believe me, I know. I know that I’m not a good writer.
I’ve accepted that fact a long time ago, but it took years for me to build up the courage and confidence to share my writings to people I know.
I have absolutely no worries sharing my blogs posts or articles to strangers. But if someone I know gets to read it, I might as well hide.
That’s why I couldn’t understand what went through my mind that made me think I could share this little piece of art I have here, to my family.
Because they don’t even care.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them if that’s how they feel. That’s alright. I’d rather them not care than make a nasty comment.
Picture my self-esteem vanishing like a mist when I heard these words:
“You think you write well, but you don’t.”
I felt like my castle crumbled overnight. (credits to tswift!)
In C. S. Lewis’ book, The Four Loves, he explained that sometimes family members make fun of someone who is different because 1) they don’t understand 2) they are insecure 3) they wish to do what the other is doing.
That happened around May, it’s July now and my family has forgotten this blog has even ever existed. I have deleted my Facebook Page and they never even noticed. I guess this is true:
If you’re absence doesn’t bother them, you’re presence never mattered.
Unknown
Well, good riddance. I have bounced back from that deep dark well I have allowed myself to climb in to.
Another lesson has been ingrained in my heart. It’s better not to tell anyone about this. If you happen to be here reading this seemingly lengthy and pointless post, I would like to thank you. Thank you for your time.
While going through a difficult time, I pushed through all the hardships and self-published my book, Threads of Hope. I am proud of myself for persevering even when the voices got loud… I once told my mom about my plans of publishing a book and she answered, “But who would ever buy that?”
I guess she’s right. It’s been more than a month. And I still got zero sales. If you’d like to prove my mother wrong, feel free to purchase it here. 😉
I don’t think it’s all about the sales but rather about the courage and the determination to not listen to the voices telling me I’m not good enough and just publish it.
I wanted to jump up and down with joy when it went live on Amazon. It took all the strength in me not to tell my mother because I know it will only be received with a lifeless comment.
Some of us have dreams that others can’t and refuse to support. But that’s okay, because you have God and yourself. In my case, I’ve also been blessed with a boyfriend who truly believes in me more than anyone ever has.
There’s light in the darkness and there is hope for us to rise up from all this negativity weighing us down. Don’t stay in the deep dark well, you can bounce back and let your light shine. Believe in yourself. ✨
Life With Rachel 