Month: July 2020

Posted in Rachel's Journal 🌼

I am growing. Up.

Posted on by Rachel

When my family decided to install a CCTV, I got to see my myself through another person’s perspective and I was mortified. The way I acted was definitely not how I thought I was acting.

All I along, I had this idea that I was self-aware but I was completely wrong.

The way I walked and moved was so weird, almost annoying even.

This realization only dug up feelings of shame that made me want to hide under the covers and never come out.

Childish.

I’ve been told that a thousand times and now I understand why.

I recently read somewhere in a book which I have now forgotten, or was it a YouTube video? Who knows?? Anyway, the thought is that children who experienced trauma get stuck-at the age when the trauma was felt.

And let me tell you, my childhood, was filled with a lot of traumatizing events for a sensitive little girl like me.

My mind thinks in dimensions but I execute my thoughts differently because I’m nervous.

Seeing how I acted so childishly and nervously made me want to punch myself and scream, “Grow up!!!”

Yet.

There’s a part of me who thinks that if I grow out of this childlike manner of mine, I won’t be able to appreciate the little things; like how the clouds look so blue, or smile at the pretty butterfly that circles around me. I might not be able to cherish the flowers by the roadside or the dogs I meet on the streets, etc. I might lose all this ability to see the beauty and wonder in everything if I…. grow up.

Is it worth losing everything that sparks life in me?

I once exclaimed out loud to a group of acquaintances, “Wow the sky looks so nice!!!”

To which, I was answered mockingly:

“Never seen a sky before?”

To which, I wanted to say 2 words in reply.

Sometimes I panic with the thought of: Am I annoying?

Because I don’t intend to be. And I’m sorry if I am.

My real goal in life (unconsciously) has always been not to bother anyone.

Sometimes I wish I was invisible, then I can precisely be free.

Maybe I don’t act my age or maybe people can’t seem to grasp how at 22 years old, I can still wonder and marvel and appreciate the simple things in life.

Let me narrate a few things I’ve “accomplished” so far (from a worldly perspective) :

I’ve already graduated, had my first job and quit, started a small business, self-published a book, I’m in a healthy relationship, I know how to cook, clean, do laundry…

Laundry. That reminds me, the person who keeps telling me I’m so childish is someone who doesn’t even do his/her own laundry.

And I –

There are a lot of factors that made me turn out the way I am today. I don’t want to put the blame on anyone but it sure did affect me… damaged me even… all caused by “grown-ups” who claim they know everything about the world.

If you are reading this and have called me childish before, I want to sincerely apologize for all the pain and discomfort I’ve caused you by being myself.

I am learning. I am growing. Maybe I’ll be all grown up when I’m 32. I’m still trying to figure it all out.

But be assured, when I reach that level of adulthood that everyone is talking about, I’ll still have that childlike wonder tuck somewhere in my heart.

I won’t lose that spark.

Posted in Rachel's Journal 🌼

Bouncing back from Discouragement

Posted on by Rachel

During the month of May, I mustered the courage and probably lost my rationale when I decided to share my blog to my family members. I even created a Facebook Page and invited almost all of my family in the hopes of generating traffic for future posts.

Only, those future posts never came.

Here’s why.

“You think you write well, but you don’t.”

Those weren’t exactly the words said to me but it ran along the same lines, coupled with a mocking tone. Congratulations! My sunny hopes were shattered. I said goodbye to my inspiration to write.

I’ve been told before by various people atleast five times in mocking and condescending ways that I don’t write well, that I’m not talented, that I’m not a real writer, etc.

And believe me, I know. I know that I’m not a good writer.

I’ve accepted that fact a long time ago, but it took years for me to build up the courage and confidence to share my writings to people I know.

I have absolutely no worries sharing my blogs posts or articles to strangers. But if someone I know gets to read it, I might as well hide.

That’s why I couldn’t understand what went through my mind that made me think I could share this little piece of art I have here, to my family.

Because they don’t even care.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them if that’s how they feel. That’s alright. I’d rather them not care than make a nasty comment.

Picture my self-esteem vanishing like a mist when I heard these words:

“You think you write well, but you don’t.”

I felt like my castle crumbled overnight. (credits to tswift!)

In C. S. Lewis’ book, The Four Loves, he explained that sometimes family members make fun of someone who is different because 1) they don’t understand 2) they are insecure 3) they wish to do what the other is doing.

That happened around May, it’s July now and my family has forgotten this blog has even ever existed. I have deleted my Facebook Page and they never even noticed. I guess this is true:

If you’re absence doesn’t bother them, you’re presence never mattered.

Unknown

Well, good riddance. I have bounced back from that deep dark well I have allowed myself to climb in to.

Another lesson has been ingrained in my heart. It’s better not to tell anyone about this. If you happen to be here reading this seemingly lengthy and pointless post, I would like to thank you. Thank you for your time.

While going through a difficult time, I pushed through all the hardships and self-published my book, Threads of Hope. I am proud of myself for persevering even when the voices got loud… I once told my mom about my plans of publishing a book and she answered, “But who would ever buy that?”

I guess she’s right. It’s been more than a month. And I still got zero sales. If you’d like to prove my mother wrong, feel free to purchase it here. 😉

I don’t think it’s all about the sales but rather about the courage and the determination to not listen to the voices telling me I’m not good enough and just publish it.

I wanted to jump up and down with joy when it went live on Amazon. It took all the strength in me not to tell my mother because I know it will only be received with a lifeless comment.

Some of us have dreams that others can’t and refuse to support. But that’s okay, because you have God and yourself. In my case, I’ve also been blessed with a boyfriend who truly believes in me more than anyone ever has.

There’s light in the darkness and there is hope for us to rise up from all this negativity weighing us down. Don’t stay in the deep dark well, you can bounce back and let your light shine. Believe in yourself. ✨