Soil, leaves, flowers these were all useful ingredients for my cooking session with my playmate, Mia. As little children, we had a blast pretending we had a carinderia.
Carinderia in the Philippines, is an eatery that serves home-cooked meals.
We loved to use our imagination as we prepared meals. In between cooking sessions we would talk about life and our future. It was everyday, from early in the morning until the sunset. And yet it felt like it was never enough.
If our parents would allow, Mia and I would spend a few hours watching Totally Spies or Kim Possible on TV before supper.
At night, we’d stand by our windows at home and call out to each other to talk while the cricket sung and the moon shone brightly.
Other games we played were piko, tumba patis and lagsanay. We also played with dolls.
It was nice to think that back then, children chose to play outside rather than spend the day watching TV or glued to a mobile device.
When we had nothing else to do, we’d sit on the sofa and just talk our hearts out.
After a few years, we grew up, got busy in school and seemed to forget about each other.
Mia only stayed at our neighbor’s house during the summer and as the seasons went by, she stopped coming.
It didn’t mean much to me, to be honest. I had new friends at school. But there were times I wished that when I went home, she would be there waiting by the doorstep ready to talk and have fun ’til our little worries disappeared.
Maybe it was me getting caught up in schoolworks and wanting to be at the top of my class that led me to I think it wasn’t important to have friends as long as I had good grades. I wish someone told me how wrong I was.
At a young age, I ruined a lot of friendships because of my need to be at the top of my class. It was all I ever cared about. I wanted approval, praise and honor like my whole life depended on it. It feels sickening to think about it now.
Presently, I don’t have much friends. In my high school times, I did not even know how to make friends. I only knew how to study and make a safe reputation.
Which is why when Mia moved to my University, (I was a highschooler, and she was in her first year of college), there was little to no effort in my part to keep the friendship alive. (Even though we spent years together at the same Uni when I entered college.) On the other hand, she was always bursting with excitement whenever we ran into each other.
I am grateful for her cheerful and kind spirit because according to her, “nothing has changed between us.“ Our friendship is still the same. But is it?
Maybe in some ways it is. We still laugh the same and treat each other just like the old times.
Deep down, I know I have changed. I don’t feel free as I did before. Being with her and with others makes me stiff and vigilant of my surroundings. A loud laugh or a raised voice because of glee makes my heart stop and worry, ‘Oh my gosh! What will people think?!’
I don’t know how to have fun anymore. The hardships of growing up bursted the bubble of my vivid imagination.
My sensitive nature prompted me to retreat, causing my self discomfort to be around people, even with my childhood friend.
I used to be someone who loved to laugh and craved adventure. Mia retained her spirit of carefree confidence and I didn’t.
Maybe I was never confident to begin with, but I can’t remember being this uptight and uncomfortable with myself.
As a child, I knew I was crazy – mostly happy, sometimes scared. But I always felt free and open to do anything even when it scared the hell out of me.
I became so focused in school and forgot what play looked life. What life felt like– the one with no worries of competition rather all focused on blooming with grace despite the rain that may shower the day.
My eyes started to open during my last years in college. It was when the overflow of regrets came to wash over me like a tsunami. I drowned down into the depths.
By God’s grace, slowly so subtly, I am healing and discovering that I can change once again, but this time for the better.
To Mia, you might never read this, but I’d want to say both thank you and I’m sorry.
When I’m ready, I hope we can build our friendship once again. This time, we won’t have to play pretend because we can run free and do anything we want without a care in the world.
Love,
Rachel
Life With Rachel 