Month: October 2019

Posted in Childhood Tales

A Trip Down the Music Lane

Posted on by Rachel

Even as a kid, I loved listening to music! I remember during the summertime, every morning after breakfast, I’ll turn on the radio, lay on the living room floor and just listen to music while my eyes closed. I think these happened when I was 6 til I turned 8 years old.

Back then I didn’t have a fancy phone or iPod that could store music. Can I admit that I was a bit jealous with those owned one?

Anyway, as far as I can remember here are the songs that would usually play on the radio. Some songs I loved and others that I had no choice but to like because they are the ones usually played by the DJs.

No Promises by Shayne Ward

The DJ announced she was going to play the song No Promises. That was how I learned that song titles were often based on the chorus or what phrases the singer emphasized.
This was definitely a song that was dear to my heart at a young age. I loved the tune and at that time the only line I could truly understand was, “You’re beautiful” and I believed it. 😀 I daydreamed that one day when I got older someone would sing this song to me and call me beautiful too.

Don’t Push Me by Sweetbox

Push the Button by Sugababes

What drove my cousins and I crazy were the songs, “Don’t Push Me” and “Push the Button” We got excited when we heard them on the radio because we get to dance our hearts out. I can still recall we’d usually hear them while waiting for lunch or during the late afternoons. Listening to these again as an adult made me realize what the songs mean! (yikes)

Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton

Back then, I’d feel at peace whenever this song would play. It was catchy and easy to sing (even if I just made up some of the words because I didn’t know the lyrics!)

Cool by Gwen Stefani

Honestly, I was annoyed by this song as a child because I couldn’t understand the lyrics yet I liked the tune.

When She Cries by Restless Heart

I used to love this song and I still do! I was such a sensitive girl and tears came easily for me so maybe that’s why I saw this song as a precious gem. It also made me think of my Mom whom I saw crying back then.
When we were kids, my brother and I had a fight so I wasn’t speaking to him. To tell me sorry he plugged his earphones on me and said, “You like this song right?” I forgave him right away.

OPM

During my elementary years, this was everyone’s favorite song! You were considered “cool” if you could sing the Chinese lyrics.
While making this list, out of the blue my mind exclaimed: there was that one really sad song I liked listening to! And I had to find it.
Good thing I remember it was sung by Arnel Pineda and oh my gosh!! Hearing this song again made me remember my childhood so much! I recall borrowing my Mom’s phone, putting on earphones for the first time which amazed me because it felt like the music could touch my bare soul. During those times, I laid in bed wearing the earphones and waited for this song to play on the radio. It usually played in the afternoon. It was such a sad song that pained my heart. How amazing that as a child I could connect to the singer’s emotions. It makes me think that maybe I had some hidden wounds back then but I could not pick out the emotion for it and through this song, it flowed.
I was both annoyed and enthralled by this song. It always played on the radio. As a child, I was irritated when the song was nearing its end because the lyrics would just repeat all over again. Nevertheless this song reminds me of late mornings, sunsets, board games with cousins and the snacks we’d make.
This one really hits me hard! During summertime, my cousins together with my brother and I would watch MYX and this would always play. If I can remember correctly, it was always at number one. I feel my heart floating in memories. I miss being a kid so much… Things were so much simpler back then.
I was afraid to listen to this again because as a child, the song amazed and scared me at the same time especially when I saw the music video. My heart kept drooping low that I can’t bring myself to finish the song anymore, but it’s worth the trip to revisit this.
I think out of all the OPM songs I’ve heard as a child, this one was my favorite! It’s so pure and Erik Santos sings it wonderfully.
15 years ago this song was the OST for the Television Program Spirits. My older cousins loved watching it at my Aunt’s house. I did not care much for it but my ears would perk up whenever they’d play snippets of this song before commercial break or after the program. I kept wishing I could hear the full song and I felt pretty lucky when it would play on the radio.

What Music Did For me

As a child, music gave me the freedom to daydream and feel emotions. Hearing these songs again helped me recall precious memories and I can now understand their meaning.

To be honest, this trip down the music lane did not make me happy but peeled my heart open to the loneliness I have harbored over the years. I feel my heart has been punched and bruised because of all the times I couldn’t get back anymore.

I miss my childhood. I miss my cousins. I miss my old house. I miss how things used to me.

This moment is hard for me but signifies that I need to let go of that portion of my life. I shouldn’t forget, no definitely not. But I should learn to accept that these are already memories. I am not a child anymore. I have to move on.

Maybe I need to go through this process to feel all the wave of emotions that the past still has on me so that I can learn to embrace it and make new memories.

Lessons Learned

God is the creator of music. I am so thankful that He gave us this gift. Because for me, music is magic. I can’t even explain it. It’s just something that you know is God-given.

Music is powerful too. It makes you feel emotions. It clings unto memories. It opens your mind and embraces your heart. Music is a friend.

Reminiscing the past made me realized how far we have improved these days. Back in the days, we had to wait for hours, days or even weeks just to hear our favorite songs. But now, with just a click we can listen to it anytime we want and even play it over and over again til our ears hurt.

Before, we had to buy songbooks so that we could read the lyrics but now we can just look them up online right away.

Times have changed, so have the music. I am grateful that we still have access to these old songs that hold so much memories for us.

Conclusion

This may seem to not be a big deal to you, but it is to me. These songs (and a lot more that are not included in this list) hold a special place in my heart that whenever I hear them again, opens my treasure box of memories.

I realized that I haven’t truly moved on and let go. I am still living in the past.

And I need to move on.

It’s a process but I will get through.

Thank you for joining me down my trip.

Til next time,

Rachel

Posted in Random Thoughts

A sentimental yearning to return to the past.

Posted on by Rachel

Nostalgia.

A wave of nostalgia hits me like a waterfall, gently but with a force strong enough to awaken my emotions.

It is so extreme that I get to the point of wishing a time machine exists. As you’ve noticed from my previous two posts, they are about childhood memories.

My brain keeps swimming back to the past. Revisiting old monuments in my mind and opening doors that long ago I have closed.

Whether it’s a defense mechanism because of all the pain I’ve been harboring these past few months or my heart wanting to leap out and have an adventure, I am uncertain.

What will I do about this?

I thought.

Why repress it when it wants to be felt?

Why ignore it when it longs to be heard?

So I have figured out to plunge in and revisit my past.

I am planning to re-watch movies I used to love when I was a kiddo, eat at the places my parents used to take me, and reexplore the places we used to go to, etc.

I’d love to document them and share my reflections here but I wonder if this feeling of nostalgia will last.

Posted in Childhood Tales

Someday, just like the old times

Posted on by Rachel

Soil, leaves, flowers these were all useful ingredients for my cooking session with my playmate, Mia. As little children, we had a blast pretending we had a carinderia.

Carinderia in the Philippines, is an eatery that serves home-cooked meals.

We loved to use our imagination as we prepared meals. In between cooking sessions we would talk about life and our future. It was everyday, from early in the morning until the sunset. And yet it felt like it was never enough.

If our parents would allow, Mia and I would spend a few hours watching Totally Spies or Kim Possible on TV before supper.

At night, we’d stand by our windows at home and call out to each other to talk while the cricket sung and the moon shone brightly.

Other games we played were piko, tumba patis and lagsanay. We also played with dolls.

It was nice to think that back then, children chose to play outside rather than spend the day watching TV or glued to a mobile device.

When we had nothing else to do, we’d sit on the sofa and just talk our hearts out.

After a few years, we grew up, got busy in school and seemed to forget about each other.

Mia only stayed at our neighbor’s house during the summer and as the seasons went by, she stopped coming.

It didn’t mean much to me, to be honest. I had new friends at school. But there were times I wished that when I went home, she would be there waiting by the doorstep ready to talk and have fun ’til our little worries disappeared.

Maybe it was me getting caught up in schoolworks and wanting to be at the top of my class that led me to I think it wasn’t important to have friends as long as I had good grades. I wish someone told me how wrong I was.

At a young age, I ruined a lot of friendships because of my need to be at the top of my class. It was all I ever cared about. I wanted approval, praise and honor like my whole life depended on it. It feels sickening to think about it now.

Presently, I don’t have much friends. In my high school times, I did not even know how to make friends. I only knew how to study and make a safe reputation.

Which is why when Mia moved to my University, (I was a highschooler, and she was in her first year of college), there was little to no effort in my part to keep the friendship alive. (Even though we spent years together at the same Uni when I entered college.) On the other hand, she was always bursting with excitement whenever we ran into each other.

I am grateful for her cheerful and kind spirit because according to her, “nothing has changed between us.“ Our friendship is still the same. But is it?

Maybe in some ways it is. We still laugh the same and treat each other just like the old times.

Deep down, I know I have changed. I don’t feel free as I did before. Being with her and with others makes me stiff and vigilant of my surroundings. A loud laugh or a raised voice because of glee makes my heart stop and worry, ‘Oh my gosh! What will people think?!’

I don’t know how to have fun anymore. The hardships of growing up bursted the bubble of my vivid imagination.

My sensitive nature prompted me to retreat, causing my self discomfort to be around people, even with my childhood friend.

I used to be someone who loved to laugh and craved adventure. Mia retained her spirit of carefree confidence and I didn’t.

Maybe I was never confident to begin with, but I can’t remember being this uptight and uncomfortable with myself.

As a child, I knew I was crazy – mostly happy, sometimes scared. But I always felt free and open to do anything even when it scared the hell out of me.

I became so focused in school and forgot what play looked life. What life felt like– the one with no worries of competition rather all focused on blooming with grace despite the rain that may shower the day.

My eyes started to open during my last years in college. It was when the overflow of regrets came to wash over me like a tsunami. I drowned down into the depths.

By God’s grace, slowly so subtly, I am healing and discovering that I can change once again, but this time for the better.

To Mia, you might never read this, but I’d want to say both thank you and I’m sorry.

When I’m ready, I hope we can build our friendship once again. This time, we won’t have to play pretend because we can run free and do anything we want without a care in the world.

Love,

Rachel

Posted in Childhood Tales

Lunch, Mom and Two Listening Ears

Posted on by Rachel

“If you can’t be happy at the prospect of lunch, you are unlikely to be happy about anything”

Robert Johnson

When I was in elementary school, lunch time was one of the most exciting parts of the day for me because of two reasons: I get to eat and I’d see my Mom!

In my city, Iloilo, it is quite common for parents or guardians to bring kids their lunch and accompany them to eat (which may consist of parents staring intently into their child’s eyes forcing them to swallow the vegetables they have prepared, or else!)

Packed lunch wasn’t a thing til we reached fourth grade!

Fosters close family ties? Limits early independence? You answer.

I felt blessed since some of my classmates had to wait for so long before their parents appeared at the school’s corridor. My mom was always early to arrive already clutching a home cooked meal she carefully tucked inside a blue tote bag. She’d wait at the school’s lobby even before the lunch bell rang. On special occasions or when we had enough money, she’d take my brother and I to our favorite fast food chain; or sometimes to the cozy restaurant beside our school.

Seeing my Mom every lunch break was like running to a safe refuge. With just a hug, my worries were washed away and replaced with safety and happiness.

It wasn’t always that way though. There were times I didn’t like my lunch or a classmate would make fun of my meal. I’d feel anger bubble up inside of my little heart until the lump in my throat formed and tiny tears around my eyes shone like the river. Those were the bad times.

Even worse was when my Mom got sick and my cousins were the ones to bring me lunch. I disliked it with all my being. My day in school wasn’t complete without a hug from my Mom during lunch break.

I’m a woman now. (feels weird to say that!) Childhood days are over. Times have changed but I still get excited about lunch! Thankfully it hasn’t changed that my Mother is still my safe refuge. And a day isn’t complete without a hug from her. Even when we fight, I can’t leave the house without hugging her.

Interestingly even at a young age, in school, I was in the know of the parents’ business because I was a very good listener. While I munched and chewed, the parents would chat. That was one of my favorite moments too. I loved eavesdropping to their conversations or at times, gossip.

It wasn’t always gossip though, once in a while I’d glean health tips and beauty tips too!

As for the gossip or ”chismis” as we call it here in the Philippines, adults thought I couldn’t comprehend and maybe I didn’t truly understand at that time. But I always stored their conversations at the back of my mind like little puzzle pieces that I’d connect to their next stories.

Thanks to the precious lunch break moments, I learned how to listen well.

What is the point in sharing this you might ask. I don’t have an answer other than to tell a story, to look back and to reflect.

Life is rich and full of treasures. If only we open our eyes, ears and most importantly our hearts.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I really loved lunch and recess because it was an opportunity to get carried away with your imagination

Dichen Lachman

Blog Updates!

Hello! I hope you are having an amazing day wherever you are.

Life has been crazy for me these past few months which is why I haven’t posted in awhile. I wanted to post everyday but laziness and discouragements get in the way.

Over the course of time, even though I was missing in action here, this blog has never left my mind.

I am happy to announce that there will be new segments on this blog that I have been working on and I’m excited to share with y’all.

Some of them are under these categories:

  • Podcast Notes
  • Book Immersion – a unique book review and reflection
  • Books by O. Henry (Reflection)
  • Iloilo Travels
  • And more on personal stories!

I will be posting them soon.

Until then,

Rachel

Status• Posted on by Rachel
Posted in Random Thoughts

am i not pretty enough?

Posted on by Rachel

these words keep ringing in my head.

Am I pretty?

I look at my photos and see my imperfections.

How could I have been so blind? I look like shit.

I’ve been told I was beautiful but I’ve been called ugly too.

Which is true?

And why does it matter so much?

To me.

As I scroll through Instagram,

I see pretty girls with pretty smiles and pretty pictures.

And I know there are more important things to be.

Like being intelligent and kind.

But I can’t help but wonder…

I wonder when will my time come.

When is it my time to beautiful too?

Posted in Random Thoughts

My life today.

Posted on by Rachel

I’m asked to describe a moment today that I want to remember always.

I want to remember the moment I had a great time with my elderly friend at church.

We talked and laughed, she gave words of wisdom. Both of us sat together and listened to God’s message; even in moments we sat in the silence, there was a comforting feeling surrounding us.

It’s nice to have a friend.

It’s amazing how God can bring friendship together even when two people are years apart. We worship a God of love and I think He rejoices when we exhibit true love even with our friends.

In addition here are some quotes I came across to this morning.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.

~anon~

In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.

~Abraham Maslow

I am grateful to our Heavenly Father for giving us days to live.

Days we can grow, travel, laugh, cry, discover, learn, worship Him, the list goes on…

As the famous saying goes,

“Everyday is a gift that’s why it’s called the present.”

What will you do in your “today” ?